Welcome to Betrayed Men

Before last June, I could not have imagined that this would happen to me.  Life seemed great, and the world was my oyster.  I enjoyed my work, had a healthy social life, and was in a seemingly pretty good marriage to a beautiful, talented woman.  Our kids were healthy, our bills were paid, our future was bright.  Then in just a few short minutes of truth, my world came crashing down.

Our cell phone company was charging us more than usual, and upon searching our online records, discovered that my wife had been sending hundreds of text messages.  Most of them were to a single number I didn't recognize, and over just the past couple of days alone over 100 had been sent and received.  I decided to dial the number and see who would pick up.  The call went to voice mail, and I found myself listening to a man's voice who announced himself as someone I had never heard of before.  I knew right away that this wasn't good.  I immediately called my wife and demanded an explanation.  At first she claimed that he was an old high school friend who had gotten back in touch with her.  After I pushed her to explain why she wouldn't tell me about something so benign as an old high school friend, she changed her story to say he was an old boyfriend and she was worried I'd be mad.  But I knew all the names of her old boyfriends, and his wasn't one of them.  After a good deal more pushing on my part, she finally admitted that he was a guy she had been having a relationship with behind my back for a few months.... and that she was waiting for the right time to tell me our marriage was over and that she was leaving me for him.  (Probably was, I was the breadwinner in the family and she needed to make sure I paid her bills until she had a job secured and could leave). 

As you know if you're been through this, it was devastating.  I begged her to break the relationship off, but she immediately began telling me what an awful husband I was, and that if I did anything to hurt her relationship with this other man, I'd be ruining her life.  I didn't make too many wise decisions in those first several weeks, but one of the few I made was to call the other man and talk to him.  Turns out he had no idea that my wife was married or that she had kids at home.  Being several years younger than my wife - a college student in fact - he was shocked and pretty freaked out.  My wife was beyond pissed off.

Of course I thought that having revealed the cold hard truth, the affair would end and we could heal our marriage.  I stupidly begged, pleaded, groveled, guilted, accommodated.... anything I could do to try to save my marriage.  (As it turns out, those were probably all of the wrong things).  Over the past nine months, my wife went back into the affair numerous times, broke no contact rules, snuck around, lied, you name it.  Turns out when the other man got over the initial shock, he was willing to go on ahead and fool around with my wife.  We've been in marriage counseling much of that time, but there's only so much counseling can do when one party is lying through their teeth.  I have had numerous discovery days (D-days), have nearly lost my mind, and have been pretty thoroughly trampled.  But on the other hand, I have learned much, have grown a tremendous amount, and am starting to learn to respect myself.

My wife now says she is sorry for everything and the affair is really, truly over.  (It's been about 2 weeks now).  She has pleaded with me to stay with her, and promised that if I'll stick with this marriage she'll make it worth my while.  I'm not exactly holding my breath, but we'll see where things go..... if nothing else for the sake of the children.

If you are reading this, chances are you have been or are in my shoes.  I'm really sorry you're going through this, but know that you are not alone.  Thousands - maybe millions - of men go through this every year, and I hope this can be just one of the many places where we can support each other.